Dressing room banter

[Murty Hogan for President]

This is just a thread for any jokes members want to share with others!!

[Murty Hogan for President]

I bought a new deodorant stick today. The instructions read: 'Remove the wrapper and push up bottom.' I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells lovely.

[Admin]

Bloody good idea Murty,

Colm Bonner was seen going into a newsagents in Wexford town recently.... apparently he was trying to find 20 players....Sorry I promise to do better.

If you need anyone to hang posters Murty give me a shout

[burgessgaa]

A few I got from an e-mail

Some Irish Quotes .......
A man has been found dead stuffed into a briefcase floating on the Grand canal-Gardai are treating it as suspicious. RTE Radio 1 News July 2001
"When I said they'd scored two goals, of course I meant they'd scored one." RTE Commentator George Hamilton
"The referendum went as most people hoped it would." Irish Times editorial displaying acute understanding of the Democratic Process.
"Clap your feet!" Bernie of the Nolan Sisters.
"He's pulling him off. The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!" George Hamilton as Butregueno comes off against Ireland.
"The idea is well and good in theory, but tell me this, who is going to feed them?" Wicklow Councillor objects to a proposal to boost tourism by putting gondolas on Blessington Lake.
"We are not prepared to stand idly by and be murdered in our beds." Rev. Ian Paisley
"What we are doing is in the interest of everybody, bar possibly the consumer." Aer Lingus spokesman.
"Deep down I'm a very shallow person." Charles Haughey.
"I'm always suspicious of games where you're the only ones that play it." Jack Charlton on hurling.
"Outside HIV in Grafton Street." Gay Byrne plugging Hothouse Flowers appearance.
CONCERNED RAPIST WORE A CONDOM Evening Herald
SHARING THE BURDEN OF SCHIZOPHRENIA Irish Times
DEAD MAN INJURED IN CRASH Irish Times.
"A top level Garda internal inquiry is being held in Connemara into an allegation that a local garda shot a cow .... There has been no statement from the cow." The Irish Press.
"I think the Irish woman was freed from slavery by bingo. They can go out now, dressed up, with their handbags and have a drink and play bingo. And they deserve it." John B. Keane.
"I was called out to a non-existant phone call. When I returned I lifted my glass, smelled and said 'My God, this is foul, it smells like piss'. A voice from the back called but whose?'." Wine connoisseur T. P. Whelehan at a tasting in Trinity College.
"Ludicrous. Ridiculous." 1989 edition of Collins Concise Dictionary defines the word 'Irish'.
"Get married again." Charles Haughey to women asking for an increase in the widows' pension.
"I can hold a note and I know I'm not ugly so, in ways, that's enough." Keith Duffy of Boyzone.
"Bosco is a Bollox! Bosco is a Bollox!" What Zig and Zag were caught shouting (with Ian Dempsey laughing in the background) when the cameras returned prematurely from a commercial break during 'Dempsey's Den'. Zag was tossing the Bosco puppet around.
Ian Dempsey: "What would you give Andrew and Sarah as a wedding present?" Caller: "I'd love to give Fergie AIDS and put a bomb up Andy's hole'"
Larry Gogan: "With what town in Britain is Shakespeare associated?" Contestant: "Hamlet."
Larry Gogan: "Name the BBC's Grand Prix commentator? I'll give you a hint. It's something you suck...." Contestant: "Oh, Dickie Davies." (Murray Walker is the correct answer)
Larry Gogan: "What was Jeeves' occupation?" Contestant: "He was a carpenter."
Larry Gogan: "Complete this well known phrase. 'As happy as.....' hint think of me." Contestant: "A pig in sH1te."
Larry Gogan: (after a caller got none of 18 questions right on the Just a Minute quiz) - "Ah sure the questions didn't really suit you did they?" Caller: "Ah go fu*k off Larry you're only an old bollox."
Gerry Ryan: (during a discussion on whether people would like to be buried or cremated when they die) - "Would you like to be buried or cremated?" Caller: "Oh, buried Gerry." Gerry Ryan: "And where would you like to be buried?" Caller: "Up to me balls in Bibi Baskin!"
Larry Gogan: "And who would you like to play the request for?" Caller: "Meself" Larry Gogan: "Any particular reason?" Caller: "I got me first job yesterday" Larry Gogan: "Oh, that's nice, what was the job?" Caller: "A blowjob!"

[Admin]

A man walks into a Clare pub and orders a white wine spritzer.

The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?You sound like you're from Tipp"

"I'm from across the Shannon," replies the man nervously.

"What do you do, just across the Shannon?"

"I'm a taxidermist."

"What on earth is one of those?"

"I mount animals."

"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.